This is hard to type. How do I even begin? Do I even begin? Is this worth sharing? Will it hurt me more in the long run? Will it accomplish anything? Who knows…maybe I’ll never press publish…but if you’re reading this…well I guess I did!
Most people who know me, or at least scroll this blog occasionally can see that I’ve been trying to conceive for some time. Three years to be exact. All of that trying…has really been trying! With no pregnancy in sight I started taking some fertility drugs based on my friend’s good experience with them. I got pregnant right off the bat! Two pink lines…two pink lines! Things were going good. I got a positive result 7 days past ovulation! I was sure this was a good sign. I found out on Superbowl Sunday. An easy day to remember…and it’s probably going to be a hard one to forget.
Around Week 6 I started bleeding. Of course this was incredibly troubling and I immediately went in for an ultrasound. It showed a small subchorionic hemorrhage no where near the sac and a healthy strong heartbeat and flickering on screen. Success! First ultrasound picture placed firmly on the fridge. Feeling good…feeling good!
Week 7 arrived with more bleeding and a 2nd ultrasound. Looks like I bled out the hemorrhage…good deal right?! Nothing but a uterus and baby on screen now. A much bigger picture of baby was given to me this time with a strong heartbeat…2nd ultrasound picture placed firmly on the fridge. Feeling really good now! I start planning nursery decorations and peruse craigslist like a freak. I’m almost 8 weeks and everything seems to be going good despite the scary run-in with the previous subchorionic hemorrhage.
End of week 8…why am I still bleeding? WHAT am I bleeding? Sick of seeing blood at this point.
Week 9…woke up with horrible horrible pain. I could barely move. Off to the ER…still feeling fairly optimistic…baby had been growing on time and heartbeat was healthy. Tried to keep my hopes up but found out that I was in fact miscarrying. Cervix dilated and all that stuff…no hope of keeping this baby. I was told I would pass the remaining “conception tissue” that night.
Week 10…still bleeding! Still cramping…9 hours in the ER and finally received a D&C. My first surgery. I will now always have a surgery to mention. So long are the days where everything was listed as N/A. I have now been pregnant once and delivered none.
So here I am, now what? Not a mother but definitely not the same. It’s little things that bring me to tears…want to hear a crazy one? My cat…she knew I was pregnant before I did. Aaron and I both commented on some of her new behavior…which is why I took a pregnancy test so early on. Well that and the nausea! 😛 My cat LOVED me while pregnant. She wouldn’t leave my sight. She slept near me at all times and loved to lay on my belly. I joked that she was helping me hatch this egg. Now that I’m not pregnant? She couldn’t care less about me. It’s a weird reminder that things are different.
I was (and am) always concerned about being selfish. I don’t think its necessarily a “right” to have your own kids. We are overpopulated and all that jazz. So, I had mentally decided that 1 kid was enough because we would be replacing 2 lives with 1 when we died. There are plenty of holes to this logic and I am not putting any one down for having more than one kid. I’m just explaining my thought process. I also decided that I wouldn’t be spending a ton of money to conceive my own child. Probably a couple more tries at the fertility drugs and that would have been it. If the universe doesn’t want to give me a child…well I can’t make it. Or at least not with good conscience. *Again not putting anyone down who tries all options*
I was naive enough to think that my journey to pregnancy was tough enough. That 3 years of trying for two relatively healthy adults was its own roadblock. I didn’t think to expect a miscarriage on fertility drugs and especially after successful ultrasounds. This wasn’t supposed to be in the cards. I didn’t have a plan for this. I was planning on being ok if I lost the pregnancy early on…like a chemical pregnancy or something…but this? A surprise miscarriage…followed by being incomplete…followed by a D&C? I don’t know how to feel! I feel on one hand that this sort of thing just happens to the ladies and I just wasn’t lucky enough to avoid it. I also feel like it shouldn’t be this hard if I was meant to be a mother. How long and how hard do you try? I can’t fathom trying again anytime soon…this process has been so painful as it is…and to end like this…I don’t want to risk hurting like this again.
I have a mothering spirit. For sure. I love kids. They make my uterus hurt! I feel so much love for them. Life is so amazing and beautiful through a child’s eyes. But maybe I’m one of those people who could love other people’s kids and therefore shouldn’t have their own? Maybe I should focus on helping others (foster kids, etc). I always went back and forth on this…should I bring a child into this world not knowing if there will be sustainability for their lifetime or should I bring love to those that already need it? Still kicking this around. Or maybe I’m supposed to be happy with a husband, cat and maybe someday get a dog. Maybe that is all she wrote for me.
I also don’t want to be self-centered and think the world revolves around me. There is probably no universal meaning to what happened or why I can’t have one child when others keep popping them out. It’s just life. My life is no harder than others. In fact, I’m blessed. I have food in the fridge, a loving husband, a car and a roof over my head. So much more than a lot of people have right now. I just don’t know how to reconcile the feelings of deep loss. I never thought I’d be this sad.
And most importantly, what in the hell do I do with these ultrasound pictures? Do I just toss them? File them away for some day when I’m sad and want to wallow in self-pity? Neither sounds right. They are still on the fridge as I have no idea what to do with them. Suggestions??