I’ve been in a funk…as you can probably notice by my lack of blogging. My funk currently has 5 layers:
- Layer 1: I am off my anti-depressants (watch out world!) because I want to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy with as little drugs as possible.
- Layer 2: Another month sans pregnancy. Without serotonin its really starting to drag me down.
- Layer 3: Rib pain to sunburn pain…its as if the couch is my only destination.
- Layer 4: Aaron is out of town again.
- Layer 5: I miss social interactions. I miss my friends. I miss “doing” something.
I would like to say that depression is funny except obviously that would be an oxymoron. For me, I know when its coming and I know when its here…but I can’t ever get it to leave on my own. The “funny” part is that I am completely aware that most of these raging emotions are the result of my brain’s chemistry, but it doesn’t change anything. I might still cry at the drop of the hat, feel like life isn’t worth living or simply just be irritable. Emotions aren’t the only problem for me though when I’m in a funk. My motivation and creativity take a huge hit as well. It doesn’t come from a place of “why bother” but rather my body just feels tired, painful and generally sloth-like. It’s like a cold coming on. Needless to say, its frustrating. Anyone who’s experienced hormonal changes (come on ladies…back me up!) knows that the emotions felt are incredibly “real” and its increasingly difficult to filter through what’s “me” and what’s “chemistry”. Trying to decipher feelings can raise the “consciousness” question which will only make me spiral out of control…so no more commenting on that one!
I know a lot of people don’t understand depression and anxiety. It is not about being a self-centered person. I actually do feel blessed. I know my life is amazing. I know that others have it so much worse. If I could switch off the dark cloud…believe me I would! I don’t like feeling defective. It took me years to come to terms with my depression. I felt like if I took pills I wasn’t truly embracing the natural lifestyle. I believed that diet, naturopathy, acupuncture and herbs would fix the “problem”. Never did. I finally found a really great acupuncturist who encouraged me to take western meds since nothing else was working. I tried to make peace with my condition and starting taking lexapro. After shelling out $150 a month for over two years I thought there must be another way. I felt strong so I decided to wean off meds again and BAM…the depression was right back. It hit me like a tidal wave. My husband was so understanding but I felt awful for not even being able to get through dinner without bawling. I went back on pills again. After six months the doctor suggested I wean off again. Successful. A couple weeks later I found out my dad was dying. Back on pills.
So here I am again off med. Wish me luck…I guess?